4 years since the last time writing.
A lot of things happened.
Everything that I never imagined before.
Every feeling that I thought will gone by time goes.
I don’t even know where to start. So many feelings flowed, sometimes I can manage it, sometimes it just streaming down and all I can do is sit there until all the feelings go away.
Long story short, I finally chose myself. But along the way, I went in to the wrong tunnel. Instead of turning the light on by myself, I carelessly give the work to someone else. Not an honourable way to defend myself, I know. I hurt people. I feel sorry to myself because I failed her twice. For years, I let her went through the pain she shouldn’t face. She has so many friends and easy to love, yet she felt alone for a long time. She really doesn’t need a dad to stand up for herself. Why on earth I let her once think that she was worthless because her dad left her and now her man treat her like trash? Sorry for being a coward back then. She really shouldn’t hear those harsh words and threats. She’s not perfect, but she’s precious. Even if no one find her worth, she knows it and should not receive less. I’m sorry, it took too long to find the courage. She hang in there very well, but again, it’s my fault that her strength is degraded.
Now, she’s just a wounded wicked woman. Can you imagine how pity she is? I failed her twice. And now nothing I can do. I’ll just follow her around, let her doing her things. Anything that will make her happy. She indeed feels happy now. I can tell by her smile, her light steps, and how content it feels inside. But there are also times when past events haunt her. Sudden pain in the chest that causing her to cry in the middle of the day. Or unexpected insomnia thinking about how some people see her now. She convince me that everything is okay and all apology are accepted, but I always carry this guilty feeling.
Maybe, just maybe.. I only have to remind her, that she doesn’t need anyone who doesn’t choose her. If some people choose to walk away from her, then she can lock the door because they are not welcome. They didn’t go through her pain before, and they only stay when life is all flower, butterfly, and sparkling road? Not her kind of people, not this time.
"Sometimes you have to give up on people. Not because you don’t care, but because they don’t."
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