Dear Sunshine

Hi sunshine,

Back to another yapping session right here, haha..

Got some news for you. I went back to the work field! oh wow. Actually I wasn't really sure at first about any kind of job here. The only job I knew was in the office, computer, doing clerical things. But you know what, turn out I enjoy it so much. It's always fun to be back to work, indeed. I work in a place full of elderly. I love it when I knock to their room and greet them--though sometimes they aren't there. I also think it's good to enhancing my english skill, and adding some income, ehehe ~

By the way, Katya entered kindergarten, yeay! Something that we wait for couple of years hahaha~ she's so happy, though she's not as social butterfly as her brother, but she's doing extra fine. I'm so blessed.

Sunshine,

I don't know why those harsh words are still echoing in my head. Sometimes it's played on repeat like a broken cassette. and I'm still hurting every time it comes. I know I shouldn't think about that. I'm still far from forgiving, I even don't think I want to forgive them. I just want not to care about what they said. Acted like it's not important for me. But those words stabbed me deep, it left a wound, and a huge sad feeling & disappointment. They never walk in my shoes, they never feel what I feel, they never get the same treatment, how dare they being so tone-deaf and act blind about my situation? Should they shut up and count their blessing, instead? Such an un-empathetic human being. 

In their head, I'm just an evil woman that capable of doing the bad things without any necessary reason. They don't think that that cruel act is a result of years of pain and extended patience that's expired. They don't know how many tears I shed before I slipped, how many times I prayed so things will get better for me, they never heard about how desperate I was to feel happy, that I was once a devoted person but reality betray me. So what's with the judgmental attitude? They think I did it lightly, which is showed me how they see me. And that reason only, is enough for me not to think about forgiving. I want to cut the ties, instead, and I will do.

Sunshine,

I want to heal. I still want to be happy. 

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Philosophical Reflection on Morality

Hello, there.

Still writing from Aussie.

Something has been bothering my mind since days ago. I don’t know whether I should feel bothered or not. I tried not to, but you know, it’s kind of hard for me. Cannot just snap out something once it has entered my mind, haha.

 

Okay, just a quick and random thought.

 

Does doing a bad thing to a bad person make the doer a good person?

 

Not doing that for justifying anything.

Because I saw lots of disturbing things lately, about people pointing out other persons’s mistakes (like they don’t have any, huff~).

First and foremost, my answer to that question is NO. We’re all sinners anyway. We’re humans. We did good things and bad things, and we did that maybe instinctively.

 

We don’t have to declare that we’re a malicious person—everyone knows that—aren’t we all?

But we also don’t need to validate that we’re a good person.

 

Sometimes when we choose to be on one side, it’s not because we really sided with a good person. We choose it because we think it’s a good side. And the reason why we think it’s a good side can be related to anything. Even we can agree on one case and then be completely opposite on another case. Because it comes from what shaped us.

 

It’s totally fine to take a side—any side.

It becomes a problem when you are being overly proud, and instead of focusing on the debate you’re in, you forget about being human.

 

Yes, it’s good to feel good.

It’s good to be proud of yourself for doing the right thing. To take the side of a good person. To be forever labelled “a good one.”

But when it comes to thinking deeper and wiser, is that arrogant attitude a good thing?

 

Let’s be honest.

Honesty is a good thing. And the good thing is everyone's favourites 

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Tired

There’s so many things inside my mind. Sometimes I don’t even know how to untangle. 

I can feel the hatred. 

It’s not me being “too sensitive”. I said it because I know some things changed. 

They said they’ll help us. But I guess I don’t belong to “us”. Because they didn’t answer when I reached out to them. They didn’t even respond or say a thing. And I notice they detached themselves from my life.

Losing people isn’t really my favorite, moreover if I take them as friends before. But I guess I’m not their friend. Friends don’t go over a mistake. Friends tried to understand the whole situation, and even they weren’t, they will stick as long as we learn from the mistake. 

I guess they are not my true friend.

I don’t really understand though, which one is making me upset more: losing people, or feeling misunderstood.

No one likes being ignored. My feelings are real too. My struggle and all the pain, it’s really there. And like him, even though everything has changed, life is getting better, and he’s not doing it anymore, the wound is still there and the trauma is real.

They can’t see that, or maybe, don’t want to see that. They see what they wanna see and believe, and I guess my pain isn’t that important because they have their “majestic” moral value of their own. 

Such a holy world they lived in. 

Should they be thankful to God, instead adding the pain to the unlucky one?

Both of us are the victims. We shared the pain, even it’s manifested in different things. 

Both of us are struggling. We comforted each other and carry the consequences all the way here.

Then why is that only one of us get the cheer? Is the other just a joke or the only bad guy in the story? Do they think the other one is deserve the pain and the punishment?

Ouch, should have expect it from the wise and mature one :)

I just being too naive.

Really, for a specific range of time I’ve thought that THEY REALLY WANT TO HELP US.

*laughing in despair*

I’ve learnt.

I’m trying to accept it.

Now I know :)

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Merayakan Kegagalan

Karena…

Dalam kegagalan itu ada usaha sendirian yang jauh dari tepuk tangan.

Ada puluhan berhasil yang sunyi karena dunia mereka terasa baik-baik saja.

Berikan tepukan pundak untuk hati dan pikiranmu yang selama ini memadamkan baranya sendiri, membalut luka dan mengeringkannya sendiri. 

Kegagalan memang menyakitkan, apalagi jika itu jadi satu-satunya hal yang mendapat lampu sorotan.

Tenangkan dirimu, yakinkan hati dan pikiranmu untuk tetap membidik berhasil, meski akan luput dari pandangan semua orang.

Selamat, kita pernah gagal.

Tapi kita melangkah menjauh darinya, menuju berhasil lain seperti yang pernah kita singgahi dulu. 

Selamat tinggal kegagalan.

Selamat melekat di ingatan setiap orang.

Selamat menjadi jejakku.

Semoga kita, tidak akan bertemu lagi..

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Living Abroad: Aussie

“What is it like to live far from our big family and former relatives? Living life only the four of us?”

Maybe be careful of what you wish for. In my case, I wished, and it comes true. Even better!

Been living near in-laws and my family for a whole marriage, phew. You have no idea how badly I want to feel living far from them. Not because I don’t like them, but the curiosity just excites me! I often see how the husband and wife have to share the domestic task; how the daddy and mommy takes turn taking care of their kids; crying, laughing, worrying together because they only have each other as the closest reliable person (awwww!), and I really want to experience it.

Wishes made almost 10 years ago. And now here I am, living far from the family and former relatives. Even adding the bonuses, foreign language! (and foreign currency, ehem). 

Studying abroad was Dian’s forever dream. That “never goes out” dream has fired up our family since the beginning, and I always agree that it's a great idea. You know, the things about “better education”, “decent living environment”, not to mention about “the advance thinking out there”. But as the time goes by, many things happened that I thought we’ll never make it. In fact, I thought that living abroad for just four of us won’t go as smooth as I expected. Many times, I questioned if we could make it. Does this kind of living suit us? 

 

Long story short, several attempts to make the wish come true were FAILED. You know, God didn’t let us go. But, last year was giving us the plot twist. On the last days of 2024, out-of-nowhere, our wish is granted! It’s a relief because it happened after my doubt is gone :)

I think, God let us go when we start to learn to share the task, take turn in taking care of the kids, and decided that we only have each other as the closest reliable person, even there were family and relatives around us.

 

Now, we are on our third month. 

Still learning to do many things together. Still many places and event we want to visit. Still adapting to the cold weather and crazy wind.

But we’re glad the kids doing well. Australia has been so kind to us, so far.

On the next post I will share our first days and few places we’ve been.

Not much, but it can be the proof that you can surviving and having fun at the same time.

 

My other half taught me.

The kid’s dad showed them.

Our leader led us :)

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Exulansis

4 years since the last time writing. 

A lot of things happened. 

Everything that I never imagined before. 

Every feeling that I thought will gone by time goes. 

I don’t even know where to start. So many feelings flowed, sometimes I can manage it, sometimes it just streaming down and all I can do is sit there until all the feelings go away. 

Long story short, I finally chose myself. But along the way, I went in to the wrong tunnel. Instead of turning the light on by myself, I carelessly give the work to someone else. Not an honourable way to defend myself, I know. I hurt people. I feel sorry to myself because I failed her twice. For years, I let her went through the pain she shouldn’t face. She has so many friends and easy to love, yet she felt alone for a long time. She really doesn’t need a dad to stand up for herself. Why on earth I let her once think that she was worthless because her dad left her and now her man treat her like trash? Sorry for being a coward back then. She really shouldn’t hear those harsh words and threats. She’s not perfect, but she’s precious. Even if no one find her worth, she knows it and should not receive less. I’m sorry, it took too long to find the courage. She hang in there very well, but again, it’s my fault that her strength is degraded.

Now, she’s just a wounded wicked woman. Can you imagine how pity she is? I failed her twice. And now nothing I can do. I’ll just follow her around, let her doing her things. Anything that will make her happy. She indeed feels happy now. I can tell by her smile, her light steps, and how content it feels inside. But there are also times when past events haunt her. Sudden pain in the chest that causing her to cry in the middle of the day. Or unexpected insomnia thinking about how some people see her now. She convince me that everything is okay and all apology are accepted, but I always carry this guilty feeling.

Maybe, just maybe.. I only have to remind her, that she doesn’t need anyone who doesn’t choose her. If some people choose to walk away from her, then she can lock the door because they are not welcome. They didn’t go through her pain before, and they only stay when life is all flower, butterfly, and sparkling road? Not her kind of people, not this time.

"Sometimes you have to give up on people. Not because you don’t care, but because they don’t."

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Curhatan Mamak

Hai. Long time no writing, hahaha..

Terakhir gue nulis tentang ASI journey nya Gane. WOW. It's been more than 1 year sejak gane disapih. The fact is, malah gue bentar lagi akan kembali memulai perjalanan meng-ASI-hi part 2. Semoga perjalanan meng-ASI-hi gue nanti bakal semulus Gane, AAAMMIIINNNN.

Gue emang nulis blog ini as a therapy, jadi ya gitu. Kadang ketika gue merasa bisa healing tanpa menulis, ya gue ga nulis, hahaha.. moody writer it is!

Sebelum gue curhat-curhat, mari gue ceritakan dulu kondisi saat ini. Jadiii, saat ini gue lagi hamil 34 weeks. Alhamdulillah semua berjalan lancar tanpa kendala. Terakhir check up di usia 33 weeks kemarin, bayi gue udah firm dengan posisi kepala di bawah. Walaupun sebelumnya lagi-lagi gue deg-degan karena di minggu 30 kepalanya balik lagi ke atas (iya udah pernah di bawah waktu usia kandungan 7 bulan). Sama banget kaya Gane, gue jadi kudu nungging-nungging walaupun gue baca literatur sih katanya alaminya, bayi memang akan muter ke bawah di usia 33 week. But still, gue ga mau ambil resiko leyeh-leyeh dan menyesal, hahaha.. Semoga posisi ini bertahan dan makin optimal sampai waktu persalinan nanti. By the way, janin gw termasuk besar. Gue ga tau berapa beratnya karena dokter memang ga pernah mau infoin BB Janin, tapi usia USG nya kemarin lebih besar 1w5d dibandingkan usia HPHT. Worry susah lahiran? yep! hahahaha..

Gila banyak banget lu worry nya Iqit. Ya gitu deh, emang belom bisa chill banget kalau soal lahiran. Masih kebayang itu sakitnya kontraksi, walaupun gue anggep itu pembelajaran dan kali ini gue banyak lahap info-info soal cara atur nafas, pain management, etc. Gue ga muluk-muluk ngimpi lahiran tanpa sobekan perineum, cukup berasa seperti lahiran Gane pun udah alhamdulillah. 

Then, kenapa nih tiba-tiba nulis lagi? Butuh therapy apa nih? Hahahaha..

Banyak banget! 

Akhir-akhir ini situasi lagi berasa melelahkan secara fisik dan mental buat gue. Apa sih tanda-tanda gue butuh healing? Merasa at the lowest point?

Kalau gue, ketika gue constantly merasa sedih, pengen nangis, kaya ada yang missing, even gue udah tidur, udah ngobrol sama orang, udah maki-maki numpahin uneg-uneg, udah makan enak (yaa ga enak-enak banget sih, B aja). Saat itulah gw merasa SOMETHING IS WRONG. with myself? mungkin. 

Jadi, di usia kehamilan yang udah ga muda lagi, sebuah kewajaran kalau banyak ketidaknyamanan muncul. Sebut aja : heartburn, feeling bloated, ambeiyen, dan yang ga kalah menyiksa adalah braxton hicks. Kalau perut lagi kenceng banget, gue mau berpose apapun serba salah shay. Susah tidur pula. Padahal badan udah berasa lelah banget pengen istirahat. Jangankan tidur deh, cari posisi pas untuk duduk santai aja susahnya minta ampun. Ini gue nulis blog post ini udah ganti posisi entah berapa kali, hahaha.. Gilingan so ngga nyaman!

Ditambah lagi, keluarga mertua mau punya hajat besar yang kok ya deket-deketan ama jadwal gue lahiran. Gila jodoh banget, hahaha.. Jadi mau ga mau ikutan repot karena gue merasa diandalkan (kalau engga, ngga bakal dimintain tolong dong ya kan). Dan nyiapin nikahan itu ya gue tau lah rasanya cukup melelahkan juga, jadi combo gitu deh.

Ditambah lagi (udah 2x nambah nih, doyan gue rasa hahahaha) Dian bukan tipikal suami yang suka manjain istrinya waktu hamil, ditambah pandemi, ya Allah kebahagiaan gue ngemol terenggut paksa, hahahaha.. jadi bener-bener gue merasa sedang SENDIRIAN banget saat ini.

Oiya in case kalian lupa, I also taking care of toddler named Gane ya hahahaha.. Jadi gue bukanlah bumil santai seperti 4 tahun lalu. Gue punya anak yang kudu dimandiin sehari 2x, disuapin sehari 3x, ditemenin main, tidurpun kadang kudu meluk gue padahal gue ga bisa rebahan (lu bayangin dah tuh gimana posisi enaknya), dan bener-bener gw ditempelin semaleman padahal gerah dan engap banget ya bunnnnnnn trimester 3?!

Dan seolah semua hal itu belum cukup, gw mulai kepikiran gimana gue akan menjalani hari-hari gue sebagai Ibu anak 2 yang bakal kasih ASI (which is an exhausting and long experience), ngasuh toddler yang lagi aktif-aktifnya, dengan support (fisik dan mental) yang seadanya.

So, iya ini lowest point gue setelah sekian lama.

Gue merasa gue butuh seseorang untuk memeluk gue dan bilang semua akan baik-baik aja. Seseorang yang memuji gue bahwa gue hebat udah bisa bertahan sejauh ini dan gue pasti bisa bertahan lebih jauh lagi (oh iya gue butuh dipuji saat ini. haus pujian untuk mengisi tangki emosi gue). Seseorang yang membuat gue ga merasa "sendirian", bahwa gue selalu bisa beralih ke dia ketika gue merasa kewalahan dan butuh rehat sejenak. Tapi gue ga tau orangnya siapa, HAHAHAHAHAHA yah sedih.

Makanya gue nulis.

Berharap ini bisa jadi healing gue.

Bisa sedikit meringankan beban emosi gue.

Bikin gue merasa ada yang mendengarkan gue walaupun itu adalah diri gue sendiri, hahaha..

Dan ada yang menyemangati gue walaupun yang menulis ya gue sendiri

IQIT, STAY STRONGGGGGGGG!!!

Hahahaha..

Oke baiklah. Semoga gue bener-bener strong dan bisa melewati semua ini. 

WISH ME LUCK!

Bismillah..

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